Stop Wasting Money on Dating Apps
Another "hey" message. Your phone buzzes, you check your dating app, and there it is again: the laziest opener known to mankind.
Your thumb hovers over the message. Delete? Respond with "hey" back? Send a passive-aggressive comment about their creativity?
Here's the thing: You're thinking about this all wrong.
That "hey" message isn't a sign they don't give a shit. It's not proof they're boring or uninterested. It's actually a golden opportunity that 90% of guys completely screw up.
Let me explain why, and more importantly, how to turn these lazy openers into actual conversations that lead to dates.
Why People Send "Hey" Messages (It's Not What You Think)
Before you roll your eyes and assume they're just lazy, understand the psychology here.
When someone sends "hey," they're usually dealing with one of four things:
Fear of rejection. Sending a clever, personalized message requires vulnerability. If you put effort into something and get ignored, it stings more than a generic "hey" getting the silent treatment.
Decision fatigue. After swiping through hundreds of profiles and seeing dozens of matches, their brain is fried. They want to test the waters without burning mental energy.
Numbers game mentality. They've been taught that dating is about quantity over quality. Cast a wide net, see who bites.
Learned helplessness. They've sent thoughtful messages before and got nothing back. Why invest effort if the results are the same?
Here's the kicker: According to 2024 data from OkCupid, 84% of "hey" messages get completely ignored. Yet people keep sending them because they require zero emotional investment.
Want to know what actually works instead? Our guides on best Tinder openers and best Bumble openers show you conversation starters that get real responses.
This creates a massive opportunity for you.
The Wrong Way vs. The Right Way to Respond
Most guys handle "hey" messages in one of three ways:
- Ignore it completely (missing potential connections)
- Mirror the energy with "hey" back (creating conversational dead ends)
- Get passive-aggressive ("Wow, such a creative opener") (coming off as bitter)
All three approaches suck.
Here's what works instead:
The Golden Rule of 'Hey' Responses
Never match their low effort with low effort back. Use it as a chance to showcase your conversation skills and take control of the interaction.
Three Strategies That Actually Work
Strategy 1: The Challenge-Back Method
Instead of getting annoyed by their laziness, challenge them to do better:
Copy These Challenge Responses
- Hey! What about my profile made you want to say hello?
- Hey there! I'll bite – but only if you tell me the most interesting thing about yourself that's not in your photos.
- Hey! Okay, I'll play along, but you owe me something better than 'hey' in your next message. Deal?
This approach does three things:
- Forces them to actually look at your profile
- Filters out mass-messagers immediately
- Gives you control over the conversation direction
Strategy 2: The Conversation Catalyst
Elevate their energy by being genuinely curious about them:
Conversation Starters That Work
- Hey! I see you're into [their interest from photos]. What got you started with that?
- Hey there! Your taste in [music/books/travel] caught my attention. What's the last great [relevant thing] you discovered?
- Hey! Quick question – would you rather always find parking or never lose your keys again?
You're not rewarding their laziness. You're showing them what good conversation looks like.
Strategy 3: The Pattern Interrupt
Break their expectations with something completely unexpected:
Pattern-Breaking Responses
- Hey! Since we're keeping it simple – tacos or pizza? This is important.
- Hey! I'm conducting very important research: are you team morning person or night owl?
- Hey there! On a scale of 1-10, how much do you trust people who put pineapple on pizza?
These responses work because they're impossible to give one-word answers to, and they inject personality into a dead conversation.
Platform-Specific Playbook
Different apps require different approaches:
How to Handle 'Hey' Messages by Platform
| App | Context | Best Response Strategy | Example |
|---|---|---|---|
| Bumble | Women message first, often feel pressure | Acknowledge their move, redirect to profile | Thanks for making the first move! I noticed [profile detail] – what's the story there? |
| Tinder | Casual atmosphere, both swiped right | Use playful challenges | Hey! Your bio suggests you're adventurous. Prove it with your craziest travel story. |
| Hinge | Relationship-focused, detailed profiles | Reference specific prompts/photos | Hey! Your answer about [prompt] made me curious – expand on that? |
When to Respond (And When to Walk Away)
Not every "hey" message deserves your energy. Here's when to engage:
Respond When
- Their profile genuinely interests you beyond just looks
- You have the mental energy to elevate the conversation
- Their photos and prompts show effort (even if the message doesn't)
- You're not drowning in other conversations already
Skip When
- You're genuinely not attracted or interested
- Their profile shows major red flags or dealbreakers
- You're managing too many conversations to give quality attention
- They follow up with inappropriate or pushy messages
Use the 48-hour rule: If you're still curious about them after two days, respond. If you've forgotten about them, that's your answer.
Turning "Hey" Into an Actual Date
Here's the three-step process for escalating a "hey" conversation:
Step 1: Acknowledge + Redirect "Hey! I can see you're interested, and I'm intrigued too. But let's skip the small talk..."
Step 2: Create Investment Ask questions that require them to share something meaningful:
- "What's something you're genuinely passionate about right now?"
- "What's the most interesting thing that's happened to you this week?"
- "If you could master any skill overnight, what would it be?"
Step 3: Build Connection Share something genuine about yourself in response, then suggest moving forward: "That's awesome. I'm really into [your passion] too. Want to continue this conversation over coffee sometime?"
Don't Do This
Never spend more than 4-5 messages in the app. If the conversation is flowing, suggest meeting up. Dating apps are for making connections, not for pen pal relationships.
The Real Problem (And How to Fix It)
Here's some tough love: If you're constantly getting "hey" messages from people you're not excited about, the problem might not be their lazy messaging skills.
It might be your profile.
Think about it. If your photos are blurry, outdated, or don't show your personality, you're only attracting people who are playing the numbers game. Quality matches put effort into quality profiles.
Speaking of quality profiles, if you're struggling to find the right platform for meaningful connections, our guide to the best dating apps breaks down which platforms work best for different dating goals.
This is where having killer photos makes all the difference. Not fake photos or overly edited ones, but shots that actually capture your best self in different situations. AI tools like GetDates can help you create professional-looking photos from your regular selfies, showing you in scenarios you might not have access to otherwise.
But here's the key: authenticity still wins. Whether your photos are professionally shot or AI-enhanced, they need to represent the real you.
The Bottom Line
Stop letting "hey" messages frustrate you. Start seeing them for what they are: opportunities to demonstrate your conversation skills and filter for people worth your time.
The person who can turn a lazy opener into an engaging conversation has a massive advantage in the dating game. Most people can't do this. You can.
Your Action Plan
- Pick one of the three response strategies that fits your style
- Test it on the next five 'hey' messages you receive
- Track which approach gets the best responses for your personality
- Refine your technique based on what works
- Remember: you're not trying to impress everyone, just the right someone
Remember: Dating isn't about finding someone who sends perfect opening messages. It's about finding someone you actually connect with once the conversation gets going.
That person might start with "hey," but they could end up being exactly what you're looking for.
So next time your phone buzzes with another "hey" message, don't roll your eyes. Smile. You're about to show them what real conversation looks like.